How To Date, According to Disney

This seems to be Fairy Tale Week here, so I'll round out the week (and the month!) by talking about DISNEY MOVIES!
Specifically, the "classic" Disney princesses - the ones that, as an under-ten-year-old-girl in the 1990s, I was the target demographic of. I think part of me still wants to have a "Disney romance," but that's seems to be different for every Disney couple (Really, though, I was kind of jealous of Belle's new library... and I was kind of jealous of Mulan in general...). I'm going to list dating advice I learned from Disney princess movies in my childhood - I'm cutting it off before the later movies (so no Tangled, Frozen, or Princess and the Frog.) Also, no sequels.

So, here it is, The Dating Guide for Official Disney Princesses! (In order of Movie's Release Date)

Snow White

Summary: In order to attract her One True Love, Snow White makes a wish in a well to finally meet her prince, and it works! Then her stepmother tries to kill 14-year-old Snow White via the apple, but the prince wakes her up with a kiss and they live happily ever after.
Dating Lesson: Wish in wells whenever possible, talk to creepy-looking strangers, and make sure to get kissed a lot. Especially at age 14.

because nothing says "let's get married" than making out with a sleeping teenager.

fanpop.com.

Cinderella

Summary: 19-year-old Cinderella befriends the mice in her home, because nobody else is nice to her. The mice and the fairy godmother help Cinderella get into a super rad ball gown and escort her to the royal ball.

#TransformationTuesday

Cinderella enchants everyone, including the prince, but she has to to run off at midnight and not give him any contact information. On the way out, she loses a shoe, but she's moving too fast to get it back. Prince Charming uses the shoe to find the girl, and then they get married.
Dating Lessons: don't let someone see you in a dress that isn't super rad. Shoes are a very good way to tell who your future spouse should be. Also, definitely get married to someone you don't have the contact information of.

Sleeping Beauty (Aurora)

Summary: As a baby, Princess Aurora is cursed to die sleep for forever when she pricks her finger on a spindle at 16. She is raised in the forest by three fairies, as far away as far as possible from any spindles. She runs into a prince with a good singing voice, and they fall in love. Her sixteenth birthday rolls around, she does the pricky-thing, and Phillip saves her from Maleficent, and wakes Aurora with a kiss. They promptly get married.

good singing solves everything! (source)

Dating Advice: if someone has a good singing voice, you should definitely get married. Especially if they save you from a dragon. But mostly, judge them on their singing voice.

The Little Mermaid (Ariel)

Summary: Ariel the mermaid falls in love with Prince Eric, and saves him from a shipwreck. Ariel goes to Ursula, the sea witch, where she swaps her fantastic singing voice for a pair of legs. Ariel then spends the rest of the film trying to seduce Eric and get him to kiss her and break Ursula's spell. It nearly doesn't work, until it does.
Dating Advice: Give up your greatest asset to be with the person you love, even if they don't realize it at all. Despite popular belief, communication is NOT key to any relationship.

If he doesn't get the hint now, I don't think he will. (source)

Beauty and the Beast (Belle)

Summary: The Beast (A.K.A. Prince Adam) was a whiny 11-year-old who wouldn't let a fairy in from the cold, so the fairy cursed him into an ugly beast. If he didn't find true love by 21, then he would stay ugly and awful FOREVER. Then Belle comes along, and is clever enough to argue with him and nice/ pretty enough to bring out Adam's good side. He gives her a library to show his affection, and then they have a super-fancy two-person dance party. Conflict ensues, everyone nearly dies, but then they don't. Belle and Adam get married.

When in doubt, get your girlfriend a library. (source)

Dating Lessons: Be patient, don't be mean, and and never underestimate the power of libraries.

Aladdin (Jasmine)

Summary: Aladdin is a charming street rat. He and Jasmine fall in love after he shows her a "whole new world" via a magic carpet. Then Jafar tries to marry Jasmine, but then he doesn't. Aladdin and Jasmine get married instead, since the Sultan changes the law to allow the princess to choose her own spouse.
Dating Advice: show your potential partner an entirely new world, lie a bit about your financial situation, and keep them out of a bad marriage to a vengeful vizier by being a charming young person close to her in age.

Of course, good abs help. Also, wearing a fez. Fezes are cool. (source)

Pocahontas

Summary: One day, Pocahontas is totally chill, diving off cliffs and pranking her friends. The next, she's singing about the wind with John Smith, who definitely didn't come to take the land, "fix" the people, and dig for gold. He also nearly killed Pocahontas, but she stood mysteriously in the mist and then sang to him about the wind, so John decided it was a bad idea.

INTENSE STARING CONTEST!! (source)

Then they try to fix racism. John Smith is shot and nearly dies, but doesn't. They don't get married, because John has to go back to England for Western Medical Help.
(A/N: this post is about Fictional Dating, but I assume we all understand that Disney's portrayal of these two characters is a Fictional Relationship, and not intended to be a historical account of the events of 1608/9.)
Dating advice: Stare eerily into the mist at the other person. Sing about the wind and nature. Don't kill the other person's family, nor instruct your family members to do so. Also, don't be racist.

Mulan

Summary: Mulan's father gets summoned to go to war, but he's old and weak and it's inadvisable for him to fight. Mulan dresses up as a guy and goes instead, posing as his son. She does this for two reasons: family honor, and not being able to get into an arranged marriage, since she's kind of a klutz. While at war, Mulan meets her captain, Li Shang, and is promptly intimidated.

doesn't help that she sucks at archery. (source)

Eventually, Mulan saves the captain, the emperor, and the country, and their relationship culminates with my two favorite Disney Relationship Moments:
1. "You... you fight good." - Shang
2. "Would you like to stay for dinner?" - Mulan
"Would you like to stay forever?" - Mulan's grandma
Dating Advice: When in doubt, save his life. If you want to start an actual conversation with him, leave your helmet somewhere he can find it and make sure he knows where to return it to you. Then you can ask him out to dinner. Of course, fighting in a war together makes you learn a fair amount about each other, I'd assume.



So there you have it! Now, go out and get ALL THE FUTURE SPOUSES!