Why I Won't Date A Vampire

Okay, so seeing as I've basically only read a vampire romance this summer, I'm going to take an opposite tack. Though Vampire Romance has been been propped up as a Thing to Definitely Do, I'm going to present some reasons Why I Won't.
This is taking into account the following information:
- the vampire in question is a male, at least 500 years old and 20s-30s at time of rebirth
- the vampire in question is stronger and faster than the normal human, and has a much lower body temperature
- the vampire in question does, on occasion, consume human blood to survive
- the vampire in question does not have an issue with sunlight, because that was invented fewer than 500 years ago

WHY WILD CARD WON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A VAMPIRE

1. RESIDUAL PATRIARCHY

Since this vampire is a male and passes as someone between the ages of 18 and 39, and probably first came into the world at a time when the patriarchy was all too rampant, he probably still has some of this thought process internalized. I understand that, to a degree, but I don't want to have to explain why feminism is a thing every single time I make a Big Kid decision without consulting my dad or brother or imaginary vampire boyfriend. I don't want him to assume that I'm going to bear his child - if that's biologically even feasible for us - just because I'm (presumably) a fertile female above the age of consent.

2. PHYSICAL INFERIORITY

I can't stand feeling like I'm weak. I KNOW I'm not the strongest person ever in any capacity - sometimes I still cry at shows and movies, and I can no longer do 300 push-ups in a day. On the other hand, I like to be able to do things for myself and carry my own weight when I must. In these situations, I often like the distribution of duties to be about equal. If a vampire is stronger and faster than I am, I'll start to get hard on myself for not being able to keep up, even though I know that I physically can't go at a vampire's pace. I don't want to deal with that. If it's a human who's a bit faster than me, then that's a challenge. If it's a vampire's pace, then that's impossible and I don't like acknowledging that impossibility.

3. INTELLECTUAL INFERIORITY

Since this vampire is at least 500 years old, he probably knows a whole lot of things about a great variety of subjects. This vampire could know LITERALLY EVERYTHING about history since he was born; for that reason, I would go on A SINGLE DATE (or A SERIES of dates) with him to pick his brain about Galileo and other important people, but I wouldn't like knowing that I'm the comparatively idiotic one of the pair. 

4. BLOOD LOSS

This one is kind of debatable, depending on how much human blood this vampire needs to survive. I don't want to put my own life at risk because I'm on my period and he hasn't fed in a while. (I assume we both would be able to tell these things and plan accordingly, but what if menstrual fluid is too close to actual blood? I don't want to think about these things; I assume no author does either, and that's why it's never addressed.)

5. MORTALITY

Let's get something straight: if I meet a vampire, and I got the chance to become immortal, I don't know if I would take it. Sometimes I need to have a "YOLO" mentality in order to be more productive than getting a high score on Candy Crush. I also get a bit of inferiority if I feel I'm "too bad" at something for too long. I know that growing old is the only way I'm going to get anything done with my life, but this person is 18-39 PERMANENTLY. Not only will I probably be jealous of his eternal good looks, but it will feel wrong if I'm 80 and in a romantic relationship with someone who looks 27.

REVIEW: "the Book of Life" by Deborah Harkness

"Wild Card," you say, "Why didn't you post at all last week? Why have we been waiting for content since your last book review?"
THIS BOOK IS WHY. Like the last two books in the trilogy, I've been surreptitiously (and not) been reading this book since I did my last review. The only things that have kept me from this book are work, church, and sleep (and the last one may have been compromised by it). Though it doesn't go quite as quickly as the other two in the trilogy, I was still reading 125 pages a day at least (that's a record for me.)

So, real thoughts on The Book of Life?
First, SPOILER WARNING. (this is the third book in a trilogy. If you want to read it unspoiled, proceed with caution and maybe don't proceed at all).

Plot summary: Basically, this is the part where the pieces of Ashmole 782 finally get put back together and the Congregation and the Covenant are faced.
There are questions posed for Act 3: Are any of Matthew's children a threat? (Yes. Matthew's vampire-son, Benjamin, is, lightly speaking, a psychotic asshole of the rape-and-murder variety.) What will the Congregation do about Diana and Matthew's relationship? Are Peter Knox and Gerbert the Vampire going to continue being assholes until the end? (Yes, but someone has to).
There are prior questions answered as well: what is blood rage? What determines which vampire manifests the traits and which vampire is a carrier? How are weavers made, and why is Diana a weaver and not a normal witch? (an interesting answer awaits these two). What does the Book of Life actually say?

There are a lot of answers to a lot of questions. The Book of Life is a fast-paced conclusion to the series, and I loved almost every page, especially because Diana does a lot of saving people by the end of it.

I say "almost" because there are a few issues. SPOILER WARNING REMINDER.



Firstly, Gallowglass. I love this vampire to death, and I wish his plot arc could have ended better. It appears that he fell in love with Diana in 1590, but it wasn't clear whether he was in love or he had actually hoped to mate with her later on. Part of me was wondering whether this would be a situation similar to Twilight, where an ancillary love interest (Jacob) spends a lot of time with the heroine while she's pregnant; it turns out that the heroine's daughter is Jacob's One True Life Partner. Though the process of vampires choosing thier One True Life Partner is not fully explored in the All Souls Trilogy (when the main couple are fully consenting adults, mating only needs to be explained as Somewhat More Than Marriage), I'm a little bit curious as to why Gallowglass's feelings are brought up at all. Is it possible for a vampire to mate when the other being is still a zygote? If so, has Gallowglass actually developed feelings for one of Diana and Matthew's twin children when they're still fetuses? Are his feelings just a reason for Gallowglass to agree to be Diana's bodyguard when Matthew is out?
Given that Gallowglass does have feelings for Diana, it makes sense that he isn't present in the epilogue. I do wish that he could have been there, though.

Secondly, the climax. I can handle a moderate amount of bodily harm in fiction, but there were moments when I felt gross. That, like nothing else, showed how much of a psychotic asshole Benjamin could be. The climax was good for a few reasons: two of Diana's struggles were overcome (lack of magic and hesitating before killing), the fact that she saves Matthew and not the other way around, that Benjamin got a truly fitting death, and that Diana was able to face and run the Congregation.

Thirdly, the ending. Some of it seemed too perfectly wrapped-together. The revocation of the Covenant, which really needed to be revoked, was very good and fitting, but there didn't seem to be enough of a price. Yes, Diana was exhausted and absorbed the Book of Life and all that, but what are the ill effects of that? All it really seems is that now Matthew can truly say to their children, "Pay attention to your mother, because she really does know everything." Though the scientific exploration of creatures is interesting, it just feels too well-wrapped.


The duration of the story into the third act, though, is great. The biggest drawback I can think of is that these books are really heavy and I can't always take them everywhere.
Definitely check them out if you have the chance.

BOOK REVIEW: "A Discovery of Witches" by Deborah Harkness

Yesterday, I finished reading A Discovery of Witches, the first book in the All Souls Trilogy by Deborah Harkness.

To call this the first book in a vampire romance trilogy is not entirely accurate. Yes, a witch and a vampire fall in love. Yes, these two are the main couple in the series. Yes, there are consequences to their relationship that need to be sorted out. Unlike Twilight, however, that's not the major point of the series.

Diana Bishop is a witch by blood and a history professor by trade. She takes a sabbatical in Oxford to do some research. Her era of focus is the transition from alchemy to science. One day, she brings a book from the stacks that has been missing for centuries, known as Ashmole 782. This book is important to a whole lot of creatures for a whole lot of reasons. Diana doesn't know that and, once she's done trying to read the magically encrypted text, she sends it back to the stacks.
As she's working on her research the next week, Diana meets Matthew Clairmont. Matthew's a vampire geneticist who focuses on evolution. Matthew wants to see Ashmole 782 because it may show why vampires, daemons, and witches live and work among humans at all.

The first half of the book focuses more on setting up the world, Matthew's theories, Diana's power (and the fact that she doesn't use it), and the relationships that should and should not happen among vampires, witches, and daemons.
The second half has a lot to do with the development of Diana's relationship with Matthew, with a bit more exposition to each backstory. We meet Matthew's vampire mother, Ysabeau (who is probably my favorite character), Marthe the vampire maid, Sarah and Emily (Diana's aunts, who raised her after Diana's parents died), and Matthew's co-workers - his son Marcus and friend Miriam.

The book ends with SPOILERS, but I'm excited to read the next book, Shadow of Night. It seems to involve time travel, William Shakespeare, and Christopher Marlowe having the hots for Matthew.

This book is fairly good for a vampire romance category, but it doesn't fit neatly into that. I hope that the rest of the trilogy delves more into the significance of the Ashmole book, and why EVERYONE seems to want it.
A Discovery of Witches also includes really important details about psychological reactions to events, but without blatantly saying "THIS PERSON HAS A DISORDER." (except in the beginning, but that turns out to be a bit false). One of the highest-tension moments is a big spoiler, but it involves Diana getting a lot of nasty scars on her back. After that, she gets really uncomfortable whenever anyone is standing behind her and she doesn't know what they're doing. This is everything from when Matthew and Sarah treat her wounds to someone just entering the room when she's facing away from the door. There is a lot of attention to detail like that - sometimes too much. The climax seems to be a series of information dumps and plot twists that I hope will be resolved in the next book.

In all, though, A Discovery of Witches is a really fun read for anyone who wants an interesting introduction to a fantasy/ romance series.