How To Date, According to Disney

This seems to be Fairy Tale Week here, so I'll round out the week (and the month!) by talking about DISNEY MOVIES!
Specifically, the "classic" Disney princesses - the ones that, as an under-ten-year-old-girl in the 1990s, I was the target demographic of. I think part of me still wants to have a "Disney romance," but that's seems to be different for every Disney couple (Really, though, I was kind of jealous of Belle's new library... and I was kind of jealous of Mulan in general...). I'm going to list dating advice I learned from Disney princess movies in my childhood - I'm cutting it off before the later movies (so no Tangled, Frozen, or Princess and the Frog.) Also, no sequels.

So, here it is, The Dating Guide for Official Disney Princesses! (In order of Movie's Release Date)

Snow White

Summary: In order to attract her One True Love, Snow White makes a wish in a well to finally meet her prince, and it works! Then her stepmother tries to kill 14-year-old Snow White via the apple, but the prince wakes her up with a kiss and they live happily ever after.
Dating Lesson: Wish in wells whenever possible, talk to creepy-looking strangers, and make sure to get kissed a lot. Especially at age 14.

because nothing says "let's get married" than making out with a sleeping teenager.

fanpop.com.

Cinderella

Summary: 19-year-old Cinderella befriends the mice in her home, because nobody else is nice to her. The mice and the fairy godmother help Cinderella get into a super rad ball gown and escort her to the royal ball.

#TransformationTuesday

Cinderella enchants everyone, including the prince, but she has to to run off at midnight and not give him any contact information. On the way out, she loses a shoe, but she's moving too fast to get it back. Prince Charming uses the shoe to find the girl, and then they get married.
Dating Lessons: don't let someone see you in a dress that isn't super rad. Shoes are a very good way to tell who your future spouse should be. Also, definitely get married to someone you don't have the contact information of.

Sleeping Beauty (Aurora)

Summary: As a baby, Princess Aurora is cursed to die sleep for forever when she pricks her finger on a spindle at 16. She is raised in the forest by three fairies, as far away as far as possible from any spindles. She runs into a prince with a good singing voice, and they fall in love. Her sixteenth birthday rolls around, she does the pricky-thing, and Phillip saves her from Maleficent, and wakes Aurora with a kiss. They promptly get married.

good singing solves everything! (source)

Dating Advice: if someone has a good singing voice, you should definitely get married. Especially if they save you from a dragon. But mostly, judge them on their singing voice.

The Little Mermaid (Ariel)

Summary: Ariel the mermaid falls in love with Prince Eric, and saves him from a shipwreck. Ariel goes to Ursula, the sea witch, where she swaps her fantastic singing voice for a pair of legs. Ariel then spends the rest of the film trying to seduce Eric and get him to kiss her and break Ursula's spell. It nearly doesn't work, until it does.
Dating Advice: Give up your greatest asset to be with the person you love, even if they don't realize it at all. Despite popular belief, communication is NOT key to any relationship.

If he doesn't get the hint now, I don't think he will. (source)

Beauty and the Beast (Belle)

Summary: The Beast (A.K.A. Prince Adam) was a whiny 11-year-old who wouldn't let a fairy in from the cold, so the fairy cursed him into an ugly beast. If he didn't find true love by 21, then he would stay ugly and awful FOREVER. Then Belle comes along, and is clever enough to argue with him and nice/ pretty enough to bring out Adam's good side. He gives her a library to show his affection, and then they have a super-fancy two-person dance party. Conflict ensues, everyone nearly dies, but then they don't. Belle and Adam get married.

When in doubt, get your girlfriend a library. (source)

Dating Lessons: Be patient, don't be mean, and and never underestimate the power of libraries.

Aladdin (Jasmine)

Summary: Aladdin is a charming street rat. He and Jasmine fall in love after he shows her a "whole new world" via a magic carpet. Then Jafar tries to marry Jasmine, but then he doesn't. Aladdin and Jasmine get married instead, since the Sultan changes the law to allow the princess to choose her own spouse.
Dating Advice: show your potential partner an entirely new world, lie a bit about your financial situation, and keep them out of a bad marriage to a vengeful vizier by being a charming young person close to her in age.

Of course, good abs help. Also, wearing a fez. Fezes are cool. (source)

Pocahontas

Summary: One day, Pocahontas is totally chill, diving off cliffs and pranking her friends. The next, she's singing about the wind with John Smith, who definitely didn't come to take the land, "fix" the people, and dig for gold. He also nearly killed Pocahontas, but she stood mysteriously in the mist and then sang to him about the wind, so John decided it was a bad idea.

INTENSE STARING CONTEST!! (source)

Then they try to fix racism. John Smith is shot and nearly dies, but doesn't. They don't get married, because John has to go back to England for Western Medical Help.
(A/N: this post is about Fictional Dating, but I assume we all understand that Disney's portrayal of these two characters is a Fictional Relationship, and not intended to be a historical account of the events of 1608/9.)
Dating advice: Stare eerily into the mist at the other person. Sing about the wind and nature. Don't kill the other person's family, nor instruct your family members to do so. Also, don't be racist.

Mulan

Summary: Mulan's father gets summoned to go to war, but he's old and weak and it's inadvisable for him to fight. Mulan dresses up as a guy and goes instead, posing as his son. She does this for two reasons: family honor, and not being able to get into an arranged marriage, since she's kind of a klutz. While at war, Mulan meets her captain, Li Shang, and is promptly intimidated.

doesn't help that she sucks at archery. (source)

Eventually, Mulan saves the captain, the emperor, and the country, and their relationship culminates with my two favorite Disney Relationship Moments:
1. "You... you fight good." - Shang
2. "Would you like to stay for dinner?" - Mulan
"Would you like to stay forever?" - Mulan's grandma
Dating Advice: When in doubt, save his life. If you want to start an actual conversation with him, leave your helmet somewhere he can find it and make sure he knows where to return it to you. Then you can ask him out to dinner. Of course, fighting in a war together makes you learn a fair amount about each other, I'd assume.



So there you have it! Now, go out and get ALL THE FUTURE SPOUSES!

Fairy Tale Questions part 2

Yesterday, I wrote a series of questions for characters in Grimm's Fairy Tales. Today, I'm doing it again with Briar Rose/ Sleeping Beauty.

For the Queen and King: Dear Queen, if a talking frog comes up to you and tells you that you will have a child in a year, what cause do you have to believe that frog? Why are you not surprised by the premonition-filled frog? Why are you not at all surprised that a frog cornered you in the bathroom and started talking? Is this normal frog behavior?
Dear King, is there a reason that you only invested in 12 golden plates for 13 old wise women? If you're so overjoyed about your daughter's birth that you're inviting PRACTICALLY EVERYONE, then surely you can invest in a few more plates? Especially if it could ensure your child's well-being, since this may well be the only child you have? Also, after the curse, I understand that you want to burn all dangers to your child; that's probably a natural parent thing. But it COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU HAD INVESTED IN MORE PLATES.
To the Wise Women: How does one bestow virtue, beauty, riches, and other important life goals? Is it a perk of being an old, wise lady? Is this what I have to look forward to when I get older?
To the Thirteenth Wise Lady: I understand that you're mad that you didn't get invited to the party. I'd get mad too, especially with an excuse so flimsy as "we didn't have enough gold plates." But is it really logical to say "die, child, die?" Killing people does not solve your problems.
To the Prince: You're going to trust a random local for your next quest? REALLY? "Oh, this wall of hedges hasn't been penetrated in close to 100 years, and it's killed everyone who's tried so far? TIME TO GO FOR A QUEST!!!" Also, I understand that Briar Rose is pretty, and I assume that the spell had no effect on aging on anyone in the castle. But did the spell affect the amount of dirt and dust that would get caked up? If it didn't, why would you kiss someone who is covered in dust and apparently dead? Are characters in German folklore just really into necrophilia?

Questions I Have For Fairy Tales

Recently, I rediscovered my copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales. I've got a few questions about motives for some of the more famous stories.

Snow White

To Snow White's father: why do you want to marry someone who is "proud and haughty, that... could not bear any one to be better-looking than herself"? Is that really a role model you want to have for your one-year-old daughter? Also, is that really someone you want in your life?
To Snow White's stepmother: Why do you want to kill your stepdaughter? According to the story, she outstrips your prettiness at the age of SEVEN. No matter how attractive a seven-year-old is, you have at least six years before you need to worry about her attracting too many people. If she does attract the wrong kind of people, you have the power to smite them. You can do it in the name of "I was just protecting my young stepdaughter," even if you really feel that they should have been paying attention to you. Also, why are you so worried about being attractive? And is a pretty face really worth killing people over? Also, why try and poison someone through their hair? Is that even possible?
To the Dwarves: The first thing you say about SEVEN-YEAR-OLD Snow White is "what a beauty she is!" Why is that? Why not ask, "Why is there a seven-year-old girl sleeping in the bed of Dwarf #7?" Also, why do you ask a seven-year-old to do your housework? And why do you leave her alone when you know there's a threat of Evil Stepmothers? ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE ALMOST DIED TWICE.
To the Prince: This young girl in a glass case is DEAD. Why are you so interested in taking possession of said glass case? I respect that you are willing to honor and protect her so long as you live, but why? Are you into necrophilia AND pedophilia? If so, are you sure that the king's daughter is the best choice for partner? I know she's the prettiest in the land and all, but have you researched the possible legal ramifications of making a partner out of the king's dead daughter? Would you really want to risk a war between kingdoms over a dead seven-year-old? Also, how old are you?

Cinderella

To the stepfamily: I understand the sentiment when you say, "They who would eat bread must earn it," but why don't you do any chores? Also, after years of work, why don't you let Cinderella have a night off? Stepmother, what's with the challenge of Picking Things Out of the Fireplace before Cinderella can go to the festival? Don't you know by now that Cinderella hangs out with birds? Also, I understand your logic when you say Cinderella can't go to the festival because "you have no clothes, and you cannot dance; you will only be laughed at," but whose fault is that really?
Also, Cinderella does change into fancy clothing before going to the festival, but it says nothing of washing her face. How do you not recognize her when she's been dirty for so many years?
I'm sure that queens don't have to walk much, but is cutting off your heel or toe really a good idea to get a man? What if you just happen to marry someone who wants their wife to have an active role?
To the father: Surely you realize the abuse that your daughter is going through? Why don't you do something about it? Did you practically disown her? Why did you not keep up a relationship with her? How did you not recognize your own daughter at the festival when you've known her for HER WHOLE LIFE? When the prince asks, why do you have so little faith that your own child can be amazing? Given that, why weren't you "smitten with blindness" at the end, too?
To the king: Are you sure that a three-day festival is the best way for your son to meet a high-quality spouse? Do you expect the marriage to last longer than three days?
To the prince: I applaud your gentlemanly behavior when you offer to see Cinderella home safely. But don't you think she comes off as a little crazy when she runs off into a pigeon-house the first night and a pear tree the second night? Also, if you don't know where she's from, can't you just say, "I really like you, tell me more about yourself. Where are you from?"
That way, you don't have to "spread the whole way with pitch" so her shoes will come off. I applaud your thinking on this front, but are shoes really the best identifier? Why not hair? "If you have hair that matches this color and a weird empty-hair spot in the back of your head, you just might be my future spouse!"