Why I Won't Date A Vampire

Okay, so seeing as I've basically only read a vampire romance this summer, I'm going to take an opposite tack. Though Vampire Romance has been been propped up as a Thing to Definitely Do, I'm going to present some reasons Why I Won't.
This is taking into account the following information:
- the vampire in question is a male, at least 500 years old and 20s-30s at time of rebirth
- the vampire in question is stronger and faster than the normal human, and has a much lower body temperature
- the vampire in question does, on occasion, consume human blood to survive
- the vampire in question does not have an issue with sunlight, because that was invented fewer than 500 years ago

WHY WILD CARD WON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A VAMPIRE

1. RESIDUAL PATRIARCHY

Since this vampire is a male and passes as someone between the ages of 18 and 39, and probably first came into the world at a time when the patriarchy was all too rampant, he probably still has some of this thought process internalized. I understand that, to a degree, but I don't want to have to explain why feminism is a thing every single time I make a Big Kid decision without consulting my dad or brother or imaginary vampire boyfriend. I don't want him to assume that I'm going to bear his child - if that's biologically even feasible for us - just because I'm (presumably) a fertile female above the age of consent.

2. PHYSICAL INFERIORITY

I can't stand feeling like I'm weak. I KNOW I'm not the strongest person ever in any capacity - sometimes I still cry at shows and movies, and I can no longer do 300 push-ups in a day. On the other hand, I like to be able to do things for myself and carry my own weight when I must. In these situations, I often like the distribution of duties to be about equal. If a vampire is stronger and faster than I am, I'll start to get hard on myself for not being able to keep up, even though I know that I physically can't go at a vampire's pace. I don't want to deal with that. If it's a human who's a bit faster than me, then that's a challenge. If it's a vampire's pace, then that's impossible and I don't like acknowledging that impossibility.

3. INTELLECTUAL INFERIORITY

Since this vampire is at least 500 years old, he probably knows a whole lot of things about a great variety of subjects. This vampire could know LITERALLY EVERYTHING about history since he was born; for that reason, I would go on A SINGLE DATE (or A SERIES of dates) with him to pick his brain about Galileo and other important people, but I wouldn't like knowing that I'm the comparatively idiotic one of the pair. 

4. BLOOD LOSS

This one is kind of debatable, depending on how much human blood this vampire needs to survive. I don't want to put my own life at risk because I'm on my period and he hasn't fed in a while. (I assume we both would be able to tell these things and plan accordingly, but what if menstrual fluid is too close to actual blood? I don't want to think about these things; I assume no author does either, and that's why it's never addressed.)

5. MORTALITY

Let's get something straight: if I meet a vampire, and I got the chance to become immortal, I don't know if I would take it. Sometimes I need to have a "YOLO" mentality in order to be more productive than getting a high score on Candy Crush. I also get a bit of inferiority if I feel I'm "too bad" at something for too long. I know that growing old is the only way I'm going to get anything done with my life, but this person is 18-39 PERMANENTLY. Not only will I probably be jealous of his eternal good looks, but it will feel wrong if I'm 80 and in a romantic relationship with someone who looks 27.

BOOK REVIEW: "Shadow of Night," by Deborah Harkness

BE WARNED: SPOILERS TO COME. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Shadow of Night, the second book in the All Souls Trilogy by Deborah Harkness, is a fairly good follow-up to the first book. The book functions well as the second act in a three-act narrative, which is fairly important for a trilogy.

A brief summary:

Diana and Matthew go back to 1590 England (and Prague, and France) to learn more about the mysterious Ashmole book and to teach Diana more about her magic. While there, Matthew's backstory unfolds and they get clues to the future of their relationship.

As a standalone narrative, Shadow of Night is a pretty good book. As a sequel to Discovery of Witches, it's even better. Matthew and Diana develop more character, independently and together, and they handle threats to their relationship in ways that reflect their character development. This includes one part where Matthew will not sit down and have a much-needed Big Boy Relationship Talk, so Diana finds a way to make him have the much-needed talk without resorting to anything too dangerous.

Now I'm going to do something that I've never done in a book review: Making a List of Favorites/ Least Favorites.

spoilers ahead

new character

Favorite: Gallowglass or Jack Blackfriars. Though Henry Percy, Walter Raleigh, Rudolf II, William Shakespeare, Christopher Marlowe, and a number of other historical figures make appearances, these two fictional ones are my favorites. Gallowglass is Matthew's nephew (in vampire lineage), and, once he gets used to the idea that Matthew is married to a witch, is a very fun character. Though I always imagined him at around the same age as Diana, he always calls her "auntie," which is funny in contrast to his description (tall, Scottish, and burly). If this were a movie, I would probably ask Chris Hemsworth to style his hair like he does when playing Thor and learn a Scottish accent.

STOP LOOKING SO SERIOUS, GALLOWGLASS.

Source: screenrant.com

Jack is a street rat. I wasn't sure about his function at times, but he allowed Matthew to show his paternal side occasionally. For the record, "Matthew" and "Paternal Side" are things that I didn't think would go together, but it happened and it was adorable.

Least Favorite: Diana's father. Though Diana and her father meeting by chance in 1590 was an interesting chapter, it felt thrown in at the end. He did make a few important points to help his daughter's marriage and magic, they all seemed like things that could have been said by someone else. William Shakespeare could have sent them on their first real date, and the coven that Diana learns from could have pushed her a little bit farther without the help of her father. It was interesting to read Diana's encounters with the father she lost at age 7, but it felt unnecessary somehow.

scene in the book

Favorite: okay, I've narrowed it down to two.

First, there was when Philippe, Matthew's vampire father, finally accepted Diana into the family. The entire chapter was intense for a number of reasons, but when he finally accepts her into the family, every interaction he has with her makes much more sense. There is one final test, which results in perhaps my favorite line in the book: "I just killed a man! Now is not the time to discuss our marriage." (Philippe throws Matthew and Diana a Real and Proper Wedding after that, which is a pretty good scene in itself.)

Second is when Diana and Matthew somehow get on the topic of vampire romance novels. It's only a brief exchange and I'm not sure I should include it, but whatever. It's very funny because, in the context of a vampire romance thread, it calls out basically every vampire romance novel ever. It concludes with my second-favorite line in the novel: "Help! I think I married a vampire!"

Least Favorite: It's hard to say. As a whole, the novel stands out as a fairly cohesive work. The final scene is good for showing how each artifact from Matthew's modern-day life winds back up at his home 420 years later, but I would rather the work end on more of a cliffhanger to race through to the third book.

Some of the flash-forward scenes are somewhat weak as well, but help to introduce at least a few new people. It does make more sense to show these connections rather than have someone say "hi, this is _________ we met when we were searching for you" or something.

overall impressions

this is one rollicking ride. If you like vampire romances where vampire romance is only half the point, definitely pick up this series.

BOOK REVIEW: "A Discovery of Witches" by Deborah Harkness

Yesterday, I finished reading A Discovery of Witches, the first book in the All Souls Trilogy by Deborah Harkness.

To call this the first book in a vampire romance trilogy is not entirely accurate. Yes, a witch and a vampire fall in love. Yes, these two are the main couple in the series. Yes, there are consequences to their relationship that need to be sorted out. Unlike Twilight, however, that's not the major point of the series.

Diana Bishop is a witch by blood and a history professor by trade. She takes a sabbatical in Oxford to do some research. Her era of focus is the transition from alchemy to science. One day, she brings a book from the stacks that has been missing for centuries, known as Ashmole 782. This book is important to a whole lot of creatures for a whole lot of reasons. Diana doesn't know that and, once she's done trying to read the magically encrypted text, she sends it back to the stacks.
As she's working on her research the next week, Diana meets Matthew Clairmont. Matthew's a vampire geneticist who focuses on evolution. Matthew wants to see Ashmole 782 because it may show why vampires, daemons, and witches live and work among humans at all.

The first half of the book focuses more on setting up the world, Matthew's theories, Diana's power (and the fact that she doesn't use it), and the relationships that should and should not happen among vampires, witches, and daemons.
The second half has a lot to do with the development of Diana's relationship with Matthew, with a bit more exposition to each backstory. We meet Matthew's vampire mother, Ysabeau (who is probably my favorite character), Marthe the vampire maid, Sarah and Emily (Diana's aunts, who raised her after Diana's parents died), and Matthew's co-workers - his son Marcus and friend Miriam.

The book ends with SPOILERS, but I'm excited to read the next book, Shadow of Night. It seems to involve time travel, William Shakespeare, and Christopher Marlowe having the hots for Matthew.

This book is fairly good for a vampire romance category, but it doesn't fit neatly into that. I hope that the rest of the trilogy delves more into the significance of the Ashmole book, and why EVERYONE seems to want it.
A Discovery of Witches also includes really important details about psychological reactions to events, but without blatantly saying "THIS PERSON HAS A DISORDER." (except in the beginning, but that turns out to be a bit false). One of the highest-tension moments is a big spoiler, but it involves Diana getting a lot of nasty scars on her back. After that, she gets really uncomfortable whenever anyone is standing behind her and she doesn't know what they're doing. This is everything from when Matthew and Sarah treat her wounds to someone just entering the room when she's facing away from the door. There is a lot of attention to detail like that - sometimes too much. The climax seems to be a series of information dumps and plot twists that I hope will be resolved in the next book.

In all, though, A Discovery of Witches is a really fun read for anyone who wants an interesting introduction to a fantasy/ romance series.