Why I Won't Date A Vampire

Okay, so seeing as I've basically only read a vampire romance this summer, I'm going to take an opposite tack. Though Vampire Romance has been been propped up as a Thing to Definitely Do, I'm going to present some reasons Why I Won't.
This is taking into account the following information:
- the vampire in question is a male, at least 500 years old and 20s-30s at time of rebirth
- the vampire in question is stronger and faster than the normal human, and has a much lower body temperature
- the vampire in question does, on occasion, consume human blood to survive
- the vampire in question does not have an issue with sunlight, because that was invented fewer than 500 years ago

WHY WILD CARD WON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A VAMPIRE

1. RESIDUAL PATRIARCHY

Since this vampire is a male and passes as someone between the ages of 18 and 39, and probably first came into the world at a time when the patriarchy was all too rampant, he probably still has some of this thought process internalized. I understand that, to a degree, but I don't want to have to explain why feminism is a thing every single time I make a Big Kid decision without consulting my dad or brother or imaginary vampire boyfriend. I don't want him to assume that I'm going to bear his child - if that's biologically even feasible for us - just because I'm (presumably) a fertile female above the age of consent.

2. PHYSICAL INFERIORITY

I can't stand feeling like I'm weak. I KNOW I'm not the strongest person ever in any capacity - sometimes I still cry at shows and movies, and I can no longer do 300 push-ups in a day. On the other hand, I like to be able to do things for myself and carry my own weight when I must. In these situations, I often like the distribution of duties to be about equal. If a vampire is stronger and faster than I am, I'll start to get hard on myself for not being able to keep up, even though I know that I physically can't go at a vampire's pace. I don't want to deal with that. If it's a human who's a bit faster than me, then that's a challenge. If it's a vampire's pace, then that's impossible and I don't like acknowledging that impossibility.

3. INTELLECTUAL INFERIORITY

Since this vampire is at least 500 years old, he probably knows a whole lot of things about a great variety of subjects. This vampire could know LITERALLY EVERYTHING about history since he was born; for that reason, I would go on A SINGLE DATE (or A SERIES of dates) with him to pick his brain about Galileo and other important people, but I wouldn't like knowing that I'm the comparatively idiotic one of the pair. 

4. BLOOD LOSS

This one is kind of debatable, depending on how much human blood this vampire needs to survive. I don't want to put my own life at risk because I'm on my period and he hasn't fed in a while. (I assume we both would be able to tell these things and plan accordingly, but what if menstrual fluid is too close to actual blood? I don't want to think about these things; I assume no author does either, and that's why it's never addressed.)

5. MORTALITY

Let's get something straight: if I meet a vampire, and I got the chance to become immortal, I don't know if I would take it. Sometimes I need to have a "YOLO" mentality in order to be more productive than getting a high score on Candy Crush. I also get a bit of inferiority if I feel I'm "too bad" at something for too long. I know that growing old is the only way I'm going to get anything done with my life, but this person is 18-39 PERMANENTLY. Not only will I probably be jealous of his eternal good looks, but it will feel wrong if I'm 80 and in a romantic relationship with someone who looks 27.

On being backup

It's time for story time with Wild Card!

I have a friend, J, who is going on a first date tonight with a young man whom we shall call D. (This isn't supposed to be a sexual entendre. We're going by first initials here.)

In order to be good friends, I went with another friend, S, to meet D with J. S and I were functioning as a cross between J's parents and her backup mob in case D turned out to be some sort of creeper that made J really uncomfortable.

So we all went to the commons to meet D, and it turned out that D is very nice. He greeted J with a hug and then awkwardly hugged S and me as well. We all hung out for a few minutes to get acquainted with D.

It got to the point where D mentioned that maybe he should have brought a friend too - that was my cue to turn and let J and D do some date-y thing.

I turned to S and proceeded to gently pull her away towards our dorm.

"Wait, no, I haven't threatened him yet!" She protested, pulling out a key.

"S, we don't threaten nice people," I told her, and I started to pull her away again.

"I do!" She said, and I kept pulling her out gently.

When we finally got out of the commons and into the dorm, we grinned at each other. "I liked him," I said. "I liked the exit. We should do that more often."

And that was how S and I became the resident Romantic Partner Screening Committee for our group of friends.

On King Arthur

As some of you may know, I'm doing a course on King Arthur this semester.  We've only had three classes - one class last week was cancelled for snow - but it's still very interesting.  We're going over the various aspects of the Arthurian myth, starting from Arthur's origin story.
The thing about Arthur's legend is that, well, he's a legend. Someone important named 'Arthur' can be traced back to the Welsh writing during the Saxon invasion of what is now Wales in 410 AD, after the collapse of the Roman empire - and even then, it was a passing reference, as if everyone knew who Arthur was.  (He's like Jesus like that... is that bad to say?)  Since he's been around for several thousand years, the legend has changed.

Since the part we've focused on in class so far is just Arthur's origin story, that's what I'm focusing on today.

There have been four assigned texts for this portion: Geoffrey of Monmouth's A History of the Kings of Britain, which was finished around 1136 AD and contains accounts of other (also mythical) kings like Cymbeline and Lear; Thomas Malory's Le Morte Darthur, completed in 1467-70 (Malory, by the way, could have a novel written about his shenanigans, including the fact that he was knighted and then arrested and escaped prison via the moat... and again, with several swords and daggers); Lord Alfred Tennyson's Idylls of the King, written in 1839 to bad reviews and then re-released in 1859; the first 100 pages of The Once and Future King by T. H. White are due on Tuesday.

There only a few things agreed upon in the span of 800 years of myth: Igraine is pretty but married and Uther wants to get it on with her; on the night that her husband, Gorlois, dies in battle (that Uther started... probably), Uther goes in (possibly in the disguise of Gorlois because MAGIC) to bed her.  This is the night that Arthur is conceived; a short while later, they get married and Arthur is born. There are some stories that say that Merlin has him whisked off to grow up in a more humble area with a knight.

There are differences in the accounts, however. Geoffrey is more concerned with Arthur's exploits in the battlefield than his origins, so this whole story is the work of a few paragraphs. Igraine is consenting to sleep with Uther, and Gorlois apparently dies while Uther is in the building. When Igraine finds out the truth about who the father of her baby is, she is completely okay with the whole thing and rejoices in her new marriage. She's more of an object than a person here. Merlin is around - he gives Uther 'medicines' to change his face to that of Gorlois (this is a very Christian work, so 'magic' is probably not the best word to use). In Malory's account, she's similar - not only consenting to the match, but outright rejoicing that the baby is Uther's. This is the first time that Merlin is mentioned as taking the baby away afterwards. Also, Merlin seems more magical here - he casts a spell over Uther and several others to make Uther look like Gorlois and himself and one other man to look like Gorlois's companions.
In Tennyson's account, however, Igraine is the most different from the other two. Not only is Uther not disguised, but he goes in after Gorlois is dead and takes Igraine right there. She is CRYING at the wedding and CLEARLY NOT OKAY WITH IT.  The other interesting bit of Tennyson's account is that Guinevere is a bit different, too. She's beautiful, sure, but Tennyson's account really highlights that the relationship between Guinevere and Arthur: when they first get the chance to see each other, Arthur isn't wearing anything to distinguish himself as a king, so she barely notices him and he thinks she's the most attractive person that he's ever laid eyes on.  This sets up the interesting relationship between the two - it's the first time that you see the one-sidedness of it. Also, Tennyson includes two life lessons that we now know NEVER TO DO if we find ourselves in a work of fiction: first, Arthur sends his wingman LANCELOT to go get Guinevere from her palace on their wedding day; second, Arthur says to Guinevere at their wedding, "Behold, thy doom is mine... I love thee to the death."  words such as these have been said by John Grady Cole in Cities of the Plain by Cormac McCarthy; Romeo probably said it to Juliet.  Basically, the words "I WILL DIE FOR YOU" (or, you know, "I will love thee to death and doom and blah blah blah" or something) will be immediately noted by Fate and used for further reference.

That's all I have for now.  Farewell.

Romantic Comedies

Last night, I saw a production of Shakespeare's Twelfth Night with my mom. It's one of his comedies, and it's easy to see why - there are romantic plots up the wazoo; it involves twins, cross-dressing, a love triangle that's actually closed, a lusty servant, and mistaken identity (see 'twins' and 'cross-dressing'). Honestly, all it needs is some legitimate same-sex couples and a character that hits on everyone and it will be more romantically confusing than the NaNoWriMo novel I wrote in 2011.

To flesh this out more fully:
Viola and Sebastian are twins. They are on a boat. It crashes on an island. They get separated. Viola, being an opportunist in a sexist society, dresses like a dude and calls herself 'Cesario.' She enters the service of one Lord Orsino, who is trying to court Olivia (whose brother has died and who isn't really interested in romance). Viola falls for Orsino, who sends Viola to do the courting for him. Olivia falls for Cesario, who kind of doesn't want that. Meanwhile, some servants persuade Olivia's servant Malvolio that if he dresses in some yellow garters and gets really bossy, then Olivia is definitely going to fall for him. Add in Lord Aguecheek, and basically everyone wants Olivia except Viola; of course, that means that Olivia wants Viola (as Cesario, of course). Then there's some duel propositions; on the day of the duel, SEBASTIAN ARRIVES. Olivia propositions Sebastian (because he and Cesario look very similar), and then everyone is very confused for a while until they see Cesario and Sebastian in the same room at the same time. Orsino realizes that Cesario isn't attractive but Viola is (Shakespearean logic?), and the only person who winds up not getting someone they desire is Malvolio.


If someone here does not call this a romantic comedy, I would really love to hear their logic. The interesting thing about this, though, is that it's not necessarily the same as romantic comedies today. Though there are themes of staunch heterosexuality, and (usually) at least one person does not wind up with the object of their desire, something like Twelfth Night (or even Midsummer Night's Dream) is a little different than the dominant RomComs of today.

A major reason that Twelfth Night is different from RomComs today is that Viola is not the main object of interest. In Emma, it's the title character, and she has to turn down a few guys before realizing who is right for her. In Pretty in Pink, Andie turns down Duckie and goes with... SPOILERS, but he likes her as well. The point is, there are always several people who are interested in the female main character (henceforth referred to as the FMC), and they're usually dudes, because she's usually straight. In Twelfth Night, though, Olivia has the role of Attractive Female, but Viola is the main character. She's not the object of attraction because everyone thinks she is a guy - which is an interesting perspective, once you think about it.

Additionally, something like Twelfth Night is interesting because, like so much of Shakespeare, it can be translated to a lot of different areas. The production I saw was set in the 1920s; it was essentially a ballet in 20s-style ragtime and jazz.  I don't know how well something like Pretty in Pink would work in that sort of situation.